


lost without Her

by warriorprincessclarke



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, emo vax
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9273557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warriorprincessclarke/pseuds/warriorprincessclarke
Summary: Vax is feeling lost in the months when Pike is away and when she returns to them he feels instantly ashamed of every horrible thing he has ever done. He decides to ask her if she will teach him about Sarenrae so he can find his way again.(aka liam said if the raven queen thing hadnt have happened he would have decided to follow sarenrae so here we are)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate title: I Was Really Annoyed That Vax Never Got The Chance To Ask Pike To Teach Him About Sarenrae So I Made It Happen  
> Alternate title 2.0: Vax Is Really Emo And Pike Is The Best  
> Alternate title 3.0: This Got A Little More Romantic Than I Was Intending But I'm Okay With It

Pike had been gone for months. She had made the hard decision to say a temporary goodbye to Vox Machina in favor of joining the effort to restore a long abandoned temple of Sarenrae in Vasselheim. While her decision to leave her makeshift family provoked a flare of selfish anger in Vax’s chest, he admired the unwavering dedication that she had to her deity. 

The feeling was more of a mixture of admiration and jealousy. Apart from his sister, Vax had never been tied to anything. He was always on the run, hopping from town to town doing whatever he had to do to keep himself and Vex alive. He had compromised and bent his morals more times than he could count, not having anything to guide him but the will to keep his sister alive, but she was fully capable of that on her own now. His actions were now guided solely by his own free will, and that terrified him.

Over the course of the months without Pike, Vax’s morals faded into a dull gray. He found himself saying things like, “Leave them, they’ll only be a burden we have to keep moving,” in reference to a group of captured civilians in an orc encampment. He also found himself taking enjoyment out of killing every last henchman pleading for forgiveness after the defeat of whatever of big bad they were tasked to destroy. Kindness and goodness had faded into the background and were no longer part of his drive. 

He had noticed this gradual shift in his behavior over the past two weeks. It stemmed from a moment after their last big encounter with a corrupted wizard king when Vax felt what could be described as a shift back to reality. He found himself on his knees angrily clutching the body of a boy of about twenty years old to his own body with his left hand. The boy was no longer begging for mercy only because Vax’s other hand was trembling, clutching the dagger he had just used to slit the boy’s throat with every ounce of strength he had. The boy had likely been forced into servitude by the king which would make him nearly free of guilt for any actions he had carried out during his enslavement. It was in that moment Vax realized, he was lost.

Vox Machina arrived back in Vasselheim for the first time in months after receiving a letter from Pike telling them that the temple had been restored and that she could not wait to rejoin the group. They made their way through the town and arrived at the front steps of the temple. Grog was the first one in, practically breaking down the doors yelling “PIKE” before he even saw her. Everyone else laughed and followed him inside, Vax bringing up the rear. 

Pike looked startled from across the temple at a gigantic Grog running full speed at her but once she realized who it was she was running at top speed at him. They had a giddy reunion full of lift up hugs and terrifyingly strong fist bumps. Everybody else took their turns hugging and asking questions of Pike, except Vax. After everyone had taken their turn he was left standing in the back looking at his feet. 

“Aren’t you going to say hello, dear?” Vex said a little patronizingly with a swift elbow to Vax’s ribs.

Vax pulled his attention from the floor of the temple and met Pike’s loving gaze. 

“Hi Pike.” He said with a small wave in her direction. His voice sounded careful and delicate, nothing like the Vax that the rest of Vox Machina knew. Vex gave him a strange look but said nothing.

“Hello Vax.” Pike said sweetly, imitating Vax’s wave but smiling with all of the sunshine in her body. She did not make an attempt to confront him any more and he could have sighed in relief. There was a slight pause where the rest of the group stared back and forth between the two in silence, but they quickly returned to asking Pike about all they had missed. Amongst the flurry of chatter, Vax slipped away outside the temple unnoticed by his friends and went on a solitary walk around Vasselheim, alone with his own thoughts. And regrets. 

 

He spent the better part of the afternoon and evening wandering aimlessly through the streets of Vasselheim, with no goal other than to avoid Pike. Everything he had ever regretted and/or done wrong was swimming around in his brain and with nothing but his own thoughts to distract him, he was trapped. 

It was half past nine when Vax found himself standing outside on the steps, unable to will his body through the doors. His mind was set on spilling his heart out to her but his shame was keeping him outside the doors of the place of worship of the goddess that made Pike so good. 

He was frozen in place, lightly grasping the decorative handle of the towering door when a man opened the door. He looked to be another cleric who had been helping just like Pike.

“Excuse me, were you coming in?” The man asked.

“Yeah I was just- I’m with Vox Machina. I’ll be-” And Vax pointed inside the door and slipped between the cleric and the door before he could respond.

He made his way to the second floor of the temple, looking for the rooms they would be staying in. There was a long hallway full of wooden doors, more than enough for each of them to have their own room. Vax took his time and carefully listened against each door until he heard the familiar clanking of armor. Again he could not make himself knock on the door, he felt like an invisible wall was pushing him away and sucking away all of his oxygen. He stared at the door, his hand frozen between his side and the dark wood. After a grueling two minutes his hand shot up without his permission and gave two swift pounds to Pike’s door.

He heard the shuffling of armor grow nearer to the door. In the five seconds it took for her to open the door he almost turned and ran three separate times. Before he committed to an escape plan the door was open and below him stood the tiny ray of sunshine herself.

Pike’s expression turned from tired to a sorrowful smile, “Hello Vax.”

Vax was frozen again but he choked out, “Hey Pickle.” Tears welled in the corners of his eyes but he swallowed them back.

Despite his efforts Pike seemed to notice his mess of a state and ushered  him inside her room, “Oh, come in.” He walked inside slowly and heard her close the door behind him but he did not turn around. “What is it Vax? Are you alright? You were gone a long time, we were all worried about you.”

Vax took a deep breath and turned around to face her. “I’m sorry Pike.”

“Sorry for what, Vax?” Her voice was calm, the exact opposite of what was stirring inside of him.

“I ran away from you. After you were away from your family for months I fucking ran away from you.”

Pike paused. “I will admit, that did hurt my feelings a little bit, but you are here now and I am glad for that.”

“See you’re so good!” Vax dug his fists into the roots of his hair and tugged in anger, “I was a complete ass to you but you were worried about  _ me  _ and you are willing to put aside my shitty actions for the sake of  _ my  _ well being.” Vax took another deep breath but this time to calm himself down. He started pacing back and forth.

Pike’s eyes cautiously followed Vax as he walked, “Vax, is everything alright?”

“No!” He yelled but stopped himself abruptly and calmly restarted his thought, “I mean, no. Pike,” His voice started to tremble, “I’m so lost.”

“What do you mean you’re lost?” She stopped him in his tracks and reached up and grabbed his hand and led him to the edge of the bed. They sat side by side. Vax looked straight ahead at the wall but he could feel Pike’s gaze burning into the side of his face.

“I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve always had a reason why I do what I do, you know? Before us everything I did was to make sure Vex was safe. If I killed someone it was because I was doing a job for some fucking scumbag to make a quick gold piece. But she doesn’t need me to do that anymore. Then I would just do whatever Vox Machina decided to take on. But lately it’s been more than that-” Vax spent the next fifteen minutes pouring every regret he had accumulated since Pike left them to her. Pike listened intently. Eventually he ended up making eye contact with her and saw the sadness and heartbreak for him in her eyes.

“-And it all began once you left. Pike you keep us good, you keep me good. I don’t have anything pointing me in the right direction without you here, I lose my grip on what is right. I let vengeance get in the way. I guess it’s almost for the right reasons, but that boy was innocent, Pikey. That king made him do those things; he had no other choice and I killed him. He begged on his knees to me but I slit his throat and I think I enjoyed it, I thought it was vengeance for all of the people he hurt under that king’s fist but I was wrong.”

“Vax I know that isn’t you, not the real you. I think you just need a little nudge in the right direction. You are right, all of that was  _ almost  _ for the right reasons.” She gave a half hearted chuckle. “But now I’m back, I can be that nudge for you if you’d like.”

“I would  _ love  _ that Pike but you won’t be around for the rest of my life to keep me on the straight and narrow.” Vax and Pike both remained silent, pondering their thoughts. “Pike?”

“Yes Vax?”

“What is it like?”

“What is what like?”

“Having a god to worship.”

Pike was slightly taken aback. “Well, she is kind of like my nudge. Every time I feel lost or out of tune with myself I just think about Sarenrae and what she would want me to do and then I feel better. I know that she is looking down on me and I just want to do her justice and make her proud.”

“Can I- Will you- Never mind.” Vax stumbled over his words.

“It’s okay, what is it?” Pike reassured him.

“This might sound  _ really  _ dumb.” Vax tried to warn her.

“I’m sure it’s nowhere near as dumb as you think.” Pike always knew how to make people feel at ease.

“Okay.” He took a moment to prepare himself. “Would you teach me about Sarenrae?” Vax held his breath, convinced that Pike would think he was stupid for even asking, that he was not worthy of Sarenrae. That Sarenrae would never accept him for all the wrong he had done.

“Like who she is?” Pike asked obliviously.

“Well I guess that, but I was thinking more of teaching me how to,” he paused, “worship her.”

“ _ Oh. _ ” 

He watched the realization hit Pike and he could not tell if she was appalled by the request or not. That is until her face broke out into the biggest smile he had ever seen from her. 

“Oh Vax, I would be honored to teach you about her.”

Vax let out the breath he was holding, smiling with tears peaking out of the corners of his eyes. He instinctively reached down and hugged Pike. His form engulfed her tiny frame and he rested his head on her shoulder. “I thought you would say no.”

“Why would I ever say no to you Vax?” Pike asked.

“Because I told you every awful thing I have done. All those innocent people I killed. I thought I wouldn’t be good enough for Sarenrae.”

Pike immediately pulled back from the hug with her hands firmly on Vax’s shoulders. “The first thing you should know about following Sarenrae is that  _ everybody  _ deserves forgiveness and a second chance, you included Vax.”

“I’m not going to lie, I thought that was just a Pike thing.” He smiled at her with a lovingly playful grin.

“I’m flattered you think that highly of me but really that is all Sarenrae. Without her sometimes I think I might have picked up a few more traits from Grog than I would like.” The two of them laughed in unison.

Vax brought it back to a serious note, “I do think that highly of you,” he realized how personal it sounded and swiftly backtracked, “I mean we all do. You’re better than all of us.” Vax plucked up the courage he dropped before, “I have always admired you, Pike. You are always looking on the bright side no matter what, unlike the rest of us fuckers, we’ll kill and disrespect and loot anyone we come by if not for you. Have I ever told you that?” He was rambling.

“No you haven’t.” Pike said quietly.

“And you always put our needs before your own, what’s up with that Pikey?” Vax said almost cutting her off. Before she could respond he continued, “I was awful to you earlier, were you even planning on saying anything about it?”

“No, because I knew there had to be something going on in your own head.”

“Look at you,” this time Vax grabbed Pike by the shoulders and stared into her eyes. “I’ve really never told you how much I admire you before, huh?”

“It’s okay I don’t need you to tell me.”

“Yes you do Pike, I need you to know that I have always wished I was more like you. I need you to know so that you don’t look down at me as some sort of heartless asshole.”

“Vax I would never think you were a heartless asshole.” She seemed almost offended by the accusation. “While the things you do may be… questionable, your motivations are in the right place.”

“You give me too much credit…” Vax trailed off. 

“No I don’t. I give you the credit you deserve. You have a good heart Vax. Here,” Pike got off of her bed and grabbed something out of her satchel. It was enclosed in her fist so Vax could not see it until she pressed it into his palm. “It’s a symbol of Sarenrae.”

Vax examined the small bracelet in his hand. It was a thin black cord with a simple bronze charm engraved with the symbol of Sarenrae. “Pike, I can’t accept this I-”

“No,” Pike said softly but firmly, “I want you to have this. Anytime you feel lost, even if I’m not there,” She gingerly began putting the bracelet on Vax’s wrist, “you can look down at this and think of me.” She looked back up at Vax and they smiled at each other for a few seconds too long. Pike coughed, “And Sarenrae.” Vax chuckled, he hoped she did not hear the trace of disappointment at her addendum,  “And we will help you.” Her hands lingered on Vax’s outstretched hand. She slowly brought his wrist up to her lips and planted a warm kiss on the charm. The warmth lingered even after she pulled away and Vax noticed that the holy symbol briefly glowed brilliant yellow.

“Pike,” his eyes narrowed, “I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything right now. It’s getting late, why don’t you head back to your own room and get some sleep and tomorrow we can talk all you want about Sarenrae, does that sound okay?”

“Yes. Thank you, Pike. I mean it.” He clasped both of her hands in his and squeezed them.

“You’re welcome Vax.” Her voice was a whisper. 

He said nothing more. Instead he leaned down on both knees to get at eye level with her and kissed her on the cheek. It was a lingering kiss, almost too close to the mouth but neither one of them mentioned it. 

Without another word he exited Pike’s room and found his way to his own room. He climbed into the bed and laid flat on his back. It was only then he realized how emotionally raw he felt. He was exhausted but he also felt a sense of relief. Every emotion that he had felt over the past two weeks, especially the past hour, welled up in his chest. Before he realized what was happening it was too late, he could not quell the tears. He cried himself to sleep that night clutching the holy symbol, whose warmth and light returned and comforted him through the night and he never let it go.


End file.
